Okay, I've made it this long on here; and with a user ID in the 8k range, I've decided it's finally time for me to "come out." You see, I'm actually a Republican member of Congress, and I actually do represent the views of some the the craziest mother fuckers in the land.
Now, some would argue that because I represent these crazy fucks, that I must be crazy too. It's not true. Consider the defense attorney who represents a child molester, does that make the attorney a criminal? Hardly. It just makes him rich, which is why I'm in Congress. One day, I'll shed myself of these loathsome Limbaugh fanatics and land a cushy job lobbying new representatives of the irritrievably insane. Does this make me a bad person? Sure it does, but at least I'm not crazy.
The reason I chose now to break cover is to explain a few things to you mostly-sane people. First, I wanted to assure you that mass violence will not break out. I know, the crazies are rattling some cages right now, but soon we'll have something shiney to jingle in front of them, and things will get back to normal in no time.
I also wanted to let you guys know - in case you've started to doubt yourself - that global warming is real, racism exists, and Obama is definitely NOT the Anti-Christ. Everybody knows the Anti-Christ will be a Jew, and not a Muslim. The reason we have to keep perpetuating these lies is because our base, who we refer to as the "over-the-rainbow coalition," harbors certain beliefs that, if shattered, could lead this nation to ruin. Think of an insane asylum where the patients have guns and a riot breaks out. There would be no objects shiney enough to grab my base's attention if they can't keep their crazy-ass beliefs in tact.
Finally, I wanted to let everyone who thinks that I should be "setting my base straight" that there is no chance of me doing something like that. First of all, these people send me money and the crazier they are the more money they send. More important, however, is these people are set in their stupid ways, they anger quickly, and they have guns. Would you tell them they're wrong?
Thank you for your time,
The Honorable Mr. Hinky Dink (R - State of Panic)